Thoughtful Words

Here I Am

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I haven’t written in a while. And I have really dug deep these last few days to figure out why. I love to write, I find great pleasure in writing and expressing myself through written words and it’s a great part of my self-discovery journey. So, why have I not done any of that in the last few months?

Here’s why…

I have been struggling with not feeling good enough. Some negative self-talk I have had in regards to this: I’m not good enough to write, so why should I? I’ll write when I feel like I’m good enough. People are going to judge me because I’m not good enough, so I’m going to protect myself by staying small, quiet, and inauthentic.

Another struggle is “why should I write this or that if it’s already been said”. My words have been said before, I’m not saying anything that has not already been said. My words will not change the world. I am not going to say anything earth-shattering that has not already been put out in this world by the many talented and creative minds we are so lucky to experience. So, why bother?

These feelings have made me feel stuck and ashamed. I felt like I was at a stand-still, just numbingly going through the motions of every day life. In an attempt to become unstuck and keep progressing, I knew I had to get rid of those unloving thoughts I was telling myself.

I went into hiding because I was ashamed of being stuck. But, don’t we all get stuck? Doesn’t being stuck force us to dig a little deeper in order to get out of that rut? Isn’t digging deeper where magic can happen? Don’t we usually come out of that stagnation as stronger, wiser, more self-reliant people?

This self-concept of not being good enough, and feeling like I should wait to start writing until I am good enough is bullshit. I have blamed lack of inspiration and lack of time and lack of the perfect moment to not put my words out there. There is no perfect moment, there is always enough time for things that truly matter, and I can find inspiration anywhere. Those were all lame excuses for not acknowledging why I’m truly not writing.

So, here’s my vow to not wait for an invitation, not wait until I get out of my rut, not wait until I find the perfect moment, and not wait until I feel like I’m good enough. I’m just going to show up and honor however I show up in any given moment… messy, inspired, tired, hopeful, or stuck.

This morning, in this very moment, I’m having coffee in my pj’s and sitting in a dark room. I’m tired, uncertain, imperfect, uninspired and know I could be doing a million other things to avoid doing this very thing I’m doing now. I’m feeling vulnerable and it’s making me feel uncomfortable. Despite all of that, I’m showing up before I’m ready… Here I am.

John Steinbeck said, “and now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good”. Influential actress, Kristen Bell, daringly took that quote a step further and said, “I’m tired of being good, I just want to be free”. That is some powerful and truthful stuff.

So… Here I am… not waiting to be good, just being free.

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